The end of the beginning

Although I started afresh in so many areas, I didn’t end everything from my old life. Lots of things were good and essential, and will continue until they have run their course. One very significant era has just ended, and it feels like the end of the beginning… and then a new beginning.

I have three wonderful sons from my first marriage, who naturally accompanied me into my new life. One was already married when the split occurred but the other two have grown up, gone away to study and then graduated in the intervening years. Last month I went to my third child’s graduation ceremony and then, last week, he moved away to start a job and to live in a city that is ninety minutes away by car. Driving home after dropping him and his boxes in his tiny, shared flat, I had a range of feelings.

A Job Done Well 

Firstly, I was relieved. All three boys have become healthy, responsible adults with friends, a job and a home of their own to rent. I have finished the main part of my role as a mother, which is of course to make myself redundant. I have negotiated pregnancies (three out of four with a happy ending, but that’s another day’s blog), given birth, provided food, read stories, rocked to sleep, cleaned grazed knees, prayed, guided, loved and blagged my way through almost three decades to this moment when my babies have flown.

During these three decades I have seen horrific reports of true nightmares: Jamie Bulger was callously abducted and killed; Madelaine McCann disappeared and never returned; children were senselessly massacred at Dunblane. Some of my own friends experienced heartbreak through the death or illness or accident of their children. I am very well aware that it is a privilege in this world to see all of my children to healthy and blessed adulthood. It is a tremendous relief to have traveled safely so far.

Empty Nest Nostalgia

Secondly, I felt a sort of sadness which, I imagine, is what people refer to as ’empty nest syndrome’. I saw in my mind’s eye, on that drive home, so many happy moments from the past: reading bedtime stories to a freshly bathed and pyjama-clad toddler; carrying a sleeping child from the car to his cot; sailing a dinghy to a picnic spot; welcoming a new girlfriend to the house; buying tiny shoes; opening the lounge door to see if Father Christmas has been…

And thirdly, I felt a burden of guilt lifted. I had launched them into life and could now sink or swim myself without worrying that I might crash them too. The move to a smaller house which came with my second marriage now only affects me and not so much them. The risk of my new business is less onerous now that they are taking their own risks and building their own homes and lives.

The Future.

I don’t have an empty nest. I have a new nest, which they are welcome to visit. I will adapt and rebuild mine as they adapt and build theirs. And they will always be welcome to call in and test the facilities, to swap inspiration and to share memories, food, conversation, hopes and dreams.

Their beginning is done. I look forward to seeing what the nest stage brings.